Pursuer distancer dating

Self-defeating behavior Later in life, Distancers often avoid saying what they think in order to avoid escalating anxiety.Pursuers may then feel ignored and try to get a reaction to make a connection, which will increase the stress for both of them.The perception of too much separateness can trigger feelings of being neglected, abandoned, unloved, and rejected.The perception of too much togetherness can activate feelings of being crowded, trapped, and controlled.They manage their personal relationships by intensifying work, activities outside the relationship, or brooding alone.When a relationship becomes too difficult, they tend to end it abruptly.Evolution of Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic We tend to attract into our lives people with characteristics that we have unconsciously disowned.That’s why Distancers and Pursuers frequently get into relationships with one another.

” They like sharing thoughts and feelings, and feel personally rejected when their partner needs some space. Eventually they start a fight or withdraw angrily attempting to create connection by provoking the Distancer’s anger or fear.

People who keep physical or emotional distance — or Distancers — enjoy independence and autonomy.

They tend to be self-reliant and have difficulty showing vulnerability.

Yet how many of us are ideal parents or had ideal parents?

If during anxious moments as an infant we were neglected or smothered with attention, subsequent situations of too much separateness or too much togetherness may cause us to experience inappropriately high anxiety.

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